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Celebrate Intimate Weddings

 

with Relationship Speaker/Author/Coach...
Larry James


More. . .
Jokes, Funny Stories,
One-Liners!

Send us your wedding humor by e-mail and if we use it on this site we will send you a surprise by snail-mail. Be sure to include your full address.

E-mail:  WeddingHumor@CelebrateIntimateWeddings.com

•    •    •

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech -- every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante

•    •    •

Once when Mark Twain was lecturing in Utah, a Mormon acquaintance argued with him on the subject of polygamy. After a long and rather heated debate, the Mormon finally said, "Can you find for me a single passage of Scripture which forbids polygamy?"

"Certainly," replied Twain. "'No man can serve two masters.'"

•    •    •

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

David leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it, dear?"

•    •    •

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. He doesn't believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. We'll show him just how wrong he is."

•    •    •

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early morning business flight to Chicago.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5 a.m."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5 a.m. Wake up!"

•    •    •

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went - step, step, ROAR; step, step, ROAR; all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

•    •    •

Dear Larry,

My husband is not happy with my mood swings. The other day, he bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond ring.

Sincerely,
Bitchy in Wisconsin

•    •    •

A little girl was at a wedding with her parents. After the wedding, she asked her mother why the bride changed her mind.

"What do you mean?"responded her mother.

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another."

•    •    •

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

"We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That twice.'

"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once'."

•    •    •

A husband and wife were involved in a petty argument, both of them unwilling to admit they might be in error.

"I'll admit I'm wrong," the wife told her husband in a conciliatory attempt, "if you'll admit I'm right."

He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.

"I'm wrong," she said.

With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, "You're right!"

•    •    •

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

•    •    •

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good. . . mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

•    •    •

Q: Do you know why Adam and Eve had the perfect marriage?

A: He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she COULD have married, and she didn't have to put up with his Mother!

•    •    •

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

•    •    •

You can always spot the father of the bride. He's the one signing over his retirement fund to the caterer.

•    •    •

Advice for the Bride: If your groom yawns through the entire wedding, don't ask where he was the night before - be understanding.

Advice for the Groom: As you're walking back up the aisle, if your bride says, "Be careful of the wedding dress, I may want to wear it again," - be understanding.

•    •    •

Overheard from a new husband: "I especially enjoy vacuuming because it keeps me from hearing about all the other chores my wife wants me to do."

•    •    •

True story from one of Larry James's weddings.

After the father walked his daughter up the aisle, Larry asked, "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?"

The father replied (so everyone could hear), "Her Mother and I and American Express!"

•    •    •

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head, no and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"

•    •    •

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had." The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek.

Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers.

The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine." This time the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch.

As he began to walk out of the living room his wife asked, "Was it something I said? Where are you going?"

The old man looked at her and replied, " I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

•    •    •

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

•    •    •

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the minister smiled broadly.

As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

•    •    •

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you husband and wife."

•    •    •

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

•    •    •

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

"So I hear you're getting Married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"

•    •    •


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